The Return / お帰り

When I decided to return to the US earlier this year, it was with one primary objective in mind: to become happy. Two years in Shanghai had reduced me to a nearly constant depression, and although I endeavored to hide it from the people around me, it had begun to be more and more evident – especially to my coworkers. I saw an opportunity to return to the states and give everything another try – this time with workable finances and interesting job prospects.

The problem is that if you look at my life a bit more closely, you see that this is something of a pattern. The only time I’ve lived in the same house for more than a year stretch in the last decade was when I was on the JET program. I seem to be constantly ’starting new’ with rosey cheeks and great intentions, then a bit down the line when I’ve not accomplished as much as I had wanted, I start over.

I’m trying to be as honest with myself as possible in hoping that this time will be different. I’ve set very concrete and acheivable goals for the next 12 months, and with moderate self-discipline and a bit of luck, I may still be happy come next September. I know that ultimately being aware that I’m not meeting my goals and resolving to work harder towards them is not enough – I must also evaluate what I’ve historically have been able to accomplish in a given time frame and make sure that my goals reflect the pace I live at, rather than constantly trying to restart the marathon when I fall behind.

That, and I’m going to get a puppy.

Xi’an / 西安

実には、兵馬俑を見るために西安に行ったけど、あそこで撮った写真の中で、この二枚だけで気に入ったな。兵馬俑の美術館の陶芸展はスゴかったよ！

Although we spent the day in Xi’an so we could go see the ‘8th Wonder of the World’, the only photos I really loved from what I shot that day were from a ceramics exhibit.

Bejing in Photos, Part 3 / 北京写真、その三

These last few from the Summer Palace are a bit more abstract.

これはまだ頤和園です。面白いか？この写真はもちょっと抽象芸術的にな。実には、その感じのほうが好きや、俺。

Here are a few more shots from the Summer Palace. The bed is the only ‘photoshopped’ picture – the furniture was supposedly left where it was when the Empress Dowager vacated, and it’s behind glass. It was a very sunny day, giving the room a beautifully soft, diffuse light. I liked the effect so I amplified it just a bit with a low-intensity soft glow filter. The last picture is actually a photo taken in a portrait (vertical) camera position that I decided not to rotate when I was doing my digital editing because I really liked the effect in a landscape orientation. More pictures next time!

Bejing in Photos, Part 2 / 北京写真、その二

The Emperor’s toilets are, of course, four stars. Notice that someone liked them enough to try and tack on another star on the left.

まだまだ北京や！これは紫禁城だぞ！その便所はフォアスターズなんや！すっげえぇな！

These ones are from the Forbidden City. Yet more to follow.

Bejing in Photos, Part 1 / 北京写真、その一

The Empress Dowager’s toilets were rated three stars!!

先週お母さんと一緒に北京にいきました。いろいろな観光ところに行きましたけど、このポストは頤和園です。それの便所はスリースターズだぜ！

Last week I took a trip to Beijing with my mother. Here are a few shots from the Summer Palace. More to follow.

Criminal / 刑事訴訟

ミクシィから日本語が読める人がなくなったみたいから、もう英語だけで。もし「日本語が戻って来て」と言いたい、コメントをしってね。

I’ve got to make a play
To make my lover stay
So what would an angel say
The Devil wants to know

Said Fiona Apple of the song ‘Criminal’:
“… the song was about feeling bad for getting something so easily, and taking advantage of your sexuality… using it to get whatever you want.”

I don’t claim to be in a same situation, but one tangential: I got into a relationship (quite by accident) in early May. I was never anything but completely up-front and honest regarding the fact that this relationship had no future beyond September, but I didn’t (and still don’t) see that as a reason to treat her poorly. I was kind and affectionate… and before I knew it, she had become quite attached despite her repeatedly telling me that she understood the situation and was fine with it. Sadly, this has happened to me before. It makes me feel like some kind of criminal for wanting a relationship at all, and then worse for being affectionate once I’m in one. I almost feel like I should be avoiding relationships completely unless I’m ready to commit, since that seems to be what every girl who has ever dated me wants after some point. (There has been an exception, but it involved a promiscuous girl, which I would consider ‘extenuating circumstances’.)

So how do you tell a girl that she is sweet and kind and beautiful and makes you happy and that you could spend the rest of your life with her, but that you’re not in love with her? People always say ‘you can’t choose who you love’ to describe those times when we fall for someone who is bad for us. Can I apply it to those times when we don’t fall for someone who is good for us? A friend of mine who knows both me and the girl in question asked, “What’s the problem? Can’t come up with a gentlemanly way to dump her?” “If you can come up with a gentlemanly way to say ‘You’re great, but I think I can do better,’ you let me know, ok?” was my reply.

Is there some age you reach where being in a convenient, happy relationship takes precedence over continuing to wait for that lightning strike of overwhelmingly irresistible love? I can’t help but call this ’settling’ (in the sense of ’settling for something less than what you want’). I’ve known people who made it into their 40s without ever having a workable relationship with someone they were mad over. Eventually they just found someone that they connected with and who made them happy. Am I stupid for passing up a good thing to hold out for this ‘happy and madly in love’ theory of mine that may never even happen?

I’ll close this with a lyric that strikes me as more appropriate than the one above, this time from the song ‘Clark Gable’ by The Postal Service:

I was waiting for a cross-town train in the London Underground
When it struck me
That I’ve been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound
Like a movie
So I changed my plans, I rented a camera and a van
And then I called you
‘I need you to pretend that we are in love again,’
And you agreed to

I want so badly to believe
That there is truth, that love is real
And I want life in every word
To the extent that it’s absurd

Gan Ma / 何それ

Jinmao Tower & Dongchang Lu Subway station / ジンマオの塔とドンチャン道の地下鉄駅